Although I've been a father for 10 weeks now, it wasn't until this past Friday that I became a Parent; one of THOSE people; the 'others' that I've distantly observed scrambling around looking harried and broken.
As I was taking my turn changing a diaper, I reset myself and followed my this-is-what-you-do-to-cha
1. Lie baby down.
2. Ask baby "are you pee pee, or are you poo poo?"
3. Expect a cry, a laugh, or a confused look; depending on unknown factors.
4. Unsnap exactly 70% of the approximately 75 snaps.
5. Push onesie and footed thingy up to armpits to minimize chance of spontaneous efflux contamination (SEC).
6. Place clean diaper under dirty diaper, in case of SEC after offending diaper removal.
7. Remove diaper sticky/velcroey thingies.
8. Fold down front of diaper, observe.
8a. - #1. Consider myself a winner at the game of Life.
8b. - #2. Call wife, for only she has the finesse to complete this task.
9. Grab feet, lift, clean, apply new diaper, resnap, repeat.
10. Wash hands.
Somewhere in the vicinity of 8b, things went awry. After observing it was only a pee pee diaper, I did the fist pump of victory!
My celebrations were premature as she filled her diaper with sweet liquid brown; an evil Play-Doh fun factory where my child once was. I was prepared, I had the extra diaper underneath! Totally prepared! I'm DADDY! I can handle this. I very carefully got a wipe from the fancy wipe heater and took care of business. BAM! I'm so pro. SO PRO. I set the brown diaper aside when round two hit. Ha! Sneaky girl! I have predicted this would happen, for I have a backup diaper in place! Again, I cleaned and BAM! Pro. Oh, man, so pro. I was made for thi...
It's running down her back.
It's on her clothes.
Her legs are in the air.
Tam, like a champ, took over, as I ran to open the door for my Mother in Law; she brought us lunch.
Whew. That was a sitch. A real sitch. If I had no Tamara to bail me out, I may not have made it out alive.
Tamara appears from the bedroom with a clean, smiling baby. What a woman. Let's have lunch while the baby is happy, yes?
It was great! A tomato artichoke sandwich from Panera... delicious! The tomato was juicy and the artichoke was perfect. In a few short moments I had devoured it and I was licking bits of tomato and spices from my fingers.
Then... THAT smell. On my hands.
Number 10. I forgot number 10. You never forget number 10.
I still feel kind of sick.
And harried. And broken.